09/04/2021 entry ✎
- hi. been a while. actually doing really, really good! i know i tend to use this place to vent, but i think i should start using it for my happiness, too. you know, like a real journal. a balance. :]
08/02/2021 entry ✎
- had a deeply detailed dream about hanging myself.
31/01/2021 entry ✎
- i sure do love to dig myself into a hole when i get a compliemtn or osmehting for no other reason than im self concious or something and i have something wrong with me and then i will never get support or another complinemtn ever again because im a massive fucking asshole. i hate my life. why do i act like this. i wish id just kill yself jesus christ. untaltned cant do anything fucking right. fucking sucks fucking shit. fucking sucks. fucking kill me already.
16/01/2021 entry ✎
- i have to start posting on here again, my life is still fucking miserable into the new year. not that its shocking or anything.
18/12/2020 entry ✎
- haven't forgotten. just too lazy to update. or too miserable. or too depressed. there's literally no reason for me to update this anyway. no point to it. i guess i like having somewhere to vent how badly i want to fucking kill myself every other day. well, i'll get back into the swing of that. december makes me even more depressed than usual. i don't think anyone gets it. it's not seasonal, more so the month. i fucking hate myself. why does everything make me cry. stupid sack of shit. cheers.
i'm so fucking tired of feeling alone. when will it stop. will it fucking ever. i hate this feeling. it's just a constant. i can't make friends. i can't talk to people. why is it all so fucking hard man. it's never going to change for me.
08/12/2020 entry ✎
- why do i bother caring about people who will never put an ounce of care into me. im seriously that desperate. its so painful and embarrassing.
07/12/2020 entry ✎
- jesus christ i dont know how i let myself get so disgusting. i hate myself with no fucking end in sight. every time my tongue touches my caved in rotten teeth it makes me want to fucking cry. sometimes i just do cry about it. i don't know how i let it get so bad. they hurt all the fucking time, all the fucking time man. i hate when my dad mentions that they look like shit. i don;t know why he thinks he has to say that stuff to me. i guess he thinks its helping me or something. its fucking not. it makes me feel worse. i dont want to go to the dentist, i dont want them to see how horrible my teeth are, its fucking embarrassing. they keep getting infected, and breaking, and it hurts really bad. it's my fault so i deserve it so why not just fucking endure it all the time.
sometimes i try to convince myself that it's okay that i'm alone and that nobody likes me or the things that i do but its not. it hurts and every day i cry about how fucking alone i am. i feel so uncared for. i try desperately so so so fucking much to get attention in every aspect of my fucking life. im so pathetically desperate its painfully embarrassing. i practically beg for people to like me, to talk ot me, to pay me any kind of mind. its pathetic. its fucking pathetic. i don't know why i'm like this. ive always been alone and i feel it never used to impact me this bad. i guess because i'm older now its more noticible. i don't know. sometimes i just wish i would kill myself already so i didnt have to endure it anymore but im too much of a fucking pussy or something. pathetic yet again. my life truly holds no fucking merit. i want ot throw up. im such a stupid fucking pig. i wish someone would beat my fucking head in already.
and my glasses broke. for the hundreth fucking time. fuck me mother fucker.
06/12/2020 entry ✎
- why am i everyones doormat. everyone talks down to me like im just a dog. it fucking hurts when people talk to me like that and i just have to grovel and apologise endlessly. i realise how i feel doesnt matter much to anyone else but damn. im tired of feeling shitty and meaningless and alone all of the time. i hate when i have these stints where i become hyper aware that noting i do actually matters in the long run and anything i put into the world doesn't actually do anything. at the least it makes me save a lot of money when i convince myself theres no point in buying anything for myself because whats the point. december sucks for me severly and nobody fucking takes a second to comprehend that except one person and its because i live with him. same shit every year.
why cant i ever do anything right why does everyone always scold me. i just feel like a stupid fucking toddler.
04/12/2020 entry ✎
- my allergies are fucking making me feel like such a drag recently. get so much snot and mucus draining into my stomach when i wake up i'm nauseous for the first like hour or so that i'm up and feel like garbage. i keep coughing and my chest is so stuffy it's making it hard to breathe when i do any manner of physical activity. just my pacing habit is fucking winding me. i really have to take some allergy meds. i have them and i keep saying i'm going to take them but then i do not take them. the continuous cycle of nothingness that is my life extends to doing things.
i feel like so much falls on my shoulders. i'm tired, man. i work 7 days a week, i'm miserable as is, i'm depressed. i feel like life is never willing to give me a damn break sometimes, honestly. everywhere i turn i just get constant reminders that i'm not going anywhere, that i'm not doing anything, that i won't do anything, that i'm fucking miserable. i just want to pull my hair out of my head or something man.
02/12/2020 entry ✎
- happy december. we hate it so, so much. enjoy christmas, kind of hate the month deeply. i've been having a lot of trouble writing anything at all recently. i don't know why. it's super annoying honestly. writing on here or actually writing something imaginative. i wish i could get bacvk into the groove, guess i just have to keep trying and i will get there eventually.
i feel like i have really bad hair loss at this one portion at the front of my hair. i can't tell if it's that or just because it's where i've always parted my hair or has to do with the fact my hair is a really light colour. either way i keep getting really worked up an upset about it every time i bother to take a look in the mirror. i don't know. it's probably not what i think it is and i'm probably getting worked up for no real rerason. either way, i'm upset about it. who knew i could become uglier and find more flaws amongst myself. i did actually, i saw that one coming from a mile away.
30/11/2020 entry ✎
- hate when i lapse into these stints where i do nothing but sleep the day away. sincerely drives me mad. i've had less work as of late since we're going on holiday soon enough, so i can get through what i need to do relatively speedy, and it just causes me to go lay in bed. i don't know what the fuck compels me to repeatedly do that besides being a miserable sack of shit because it truly makes me crazy. christ. and i still haven't gotten my refund from that stupid site. everything is trying to piss me off myself included and let me tell you it is working.
29/11/2020 entry ✎
- god dammit i've tried literally everywhere to get this stupid fucking thing for my sister it's actually so frustrating i fucking give up bothering. i'll just buy her something cheaper and save myself the angering emotional fucking hassel and also several hundred dollars. sorry bro.
28/11/2020 entry ✎
- god i fucking HATE everyone. so fucking furious. could care rfucking less how childish it is that i'm mad. fuck that stupid cunt. why can't anything ever work in my fucking favour man. fucking hate the holidays they make me fucking miserable. fuck this shit. i'll be fine eventually, specifically when the 300+ dollars comes back into my account in the next 5 - 10 fucking days WHY the fuck do i have to wait so god damn long, but right now i'm fucking angry and pissy. jesus fuck. dumb cunt.
25/11/2020 entry ✎
- going to have to start tapping the pronouny link or something. yes i'm gay yes i'm nonbinary yes i use she her yes i prefer masc nouns no i'm not a fucking girl.
23/11/2020 entry ✎
- have work in like t - minus 4 hours of writing this chunk of my journal. i am still being instanely manic and breaking down repeatedly and i've had the least amount of sleep possible i feel like i'm going to drop dead. seriously at my limit but i will continue to exceed it. i want to rip my fucking hair out but also i like my hair so you know. digging my nails into my scalp and panicking seems to do me much better. whatever i will figure something out. i have a psych appointment this afternoon so that's good. though in turn i impulsively bought something last night which is annoying because my psych appointments are way too fucking expensive even with my private medicare paying for them. i wish it wasn't every 45 minutes. maybe if you brought that to an hour i'd at least feel better about it. i pay for it anyway, but i'm still a fucking psychopath. jesus christ. whatever.
why why WHY cant i stop freaking the fuck out. why why why wh why it smaking me fucking insane, i cant keep fucking breaking down and crying i fucking cant. why does everything feel so wrong anf fucked up. i feel like i cant have a casual conversation anymroe i feel like i cant talk about my ocs anymore i feel like im being ignored it doesnt feel normal anymore. i wish i could stop freaking the fuck out and be normal for one second but i just want this to woprk out. WHY did this all have to happen WHY what the fuck i didnt fuckning do anything wrong. why do i have to go through this it isnt fuckknig fair i didnt fucking do anything. i wish i had anybody in my life to talk to i wish i had anybody in my life to comfort me. i guess im not owed that. thats fine. ive done everything else in my life alone and by myself. i cant i just want to break ym fingers on ym desk why wh HWYHWYHWHYW MAN COIME ON WHY MAN WHY WHY WHY COME THE FUCK ON I FUICKINGMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM FUCK. i want to smash my fucking skull off the wall i iwant it to hurt so fucking much. im so uspet im so sad and alone i dont know how much longer i can even go on like this man seriously. im so sick to my stomach im so fucking paranoid and manic and not in the rigght state of mind anymore i cant. i have workl in two hours i cant take this shit.
got put on a new antipsych medication. shocking that one. brexpiprazole, literally can barely pronounce that one. we are tiptoing on the line of insanity with that name. i'll go pick it up this evening, and my psychiatrist said he'd continue to refill it so hopefully this one does something useful.
22/11/2020 entry ✎
- i am so burnt out i actually feel psychotic. i don't want to fucking work tomorrow but, alas. not that i really did anything explicately tiring at all yesterday except be pathetic and freak the fuck out for 24 hours locked in my room. kind of be an asshole i guess. 3am and i have a pounding headache. im so fucking pent up its probabyl; from smacking myself in the head like a fucking ACTUAL crazy person. was aksing for that one. truly something wrong with me i need like mental clarity. i also have a grey streak right in the front of my hair that i never noticed so that's cool. looks fuckiking stupid. i don't even know what to say for myself honestly. i'm childish and can't handle anything. just the fucking worst yet again at being a functional human being. mmmmm i need to think about my ocs they always make me feel like a normal person. i love those mother fuckers lawl.
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i wont be changing the url of my site. i made this site for myself and nobody else. i never told anybody to look at it. i'm tired of people controlling me and talking down to me like i'm their dog who has to do what i'm told. this is my site that i made for myself and my content and my writing and my personal use so if you don't want to look at it ... don't look at it. simple as that. i chose the url because i enjoy it. it'll be staying.
20/11/2020 entry ✎
- love how i just punch myself in the head and dig my naisl into my scalp like a fucking lunatic when i'm angry like god what teh fuck is wrong with you you're not normal. i want to break my fucking fingrs.
eh i miss my mum.
why does everything amke me cry i will li9terally bite my fucking fingers off. everything just feels like it makes me upset. i cry so fucking much about everything to the point of it's honestly pathetically hilarious now. i don't know how to better myself in anythging. i'm medicore and scared and unsocialised and i feel im never going to reach the level that anybody needs me at. i feel like i always come back around to why do i bother. why do i try so fucking hard just to be a useless embarrassment every day of my life whgo has nothing of merit to offer to anyone. is there honestly anything more pathetic than me repeatedly crying mytself to sleep at night. it makes me so fucking angry i seriously want to fucking get beaten by someone. deserve to have my head bludgeoned in. i shouldn't evenh ave the honour of killing myself it should be somebody else hwo does it all together. i want to fucking sink my fucking nails into my god damn scalp. i want to fucking scratch my face open. i just want to be disgusting and bleed all over and bit into my arms like a fucking animal or something. seriously something wrong with me. i feel so fucking pent up i want to fucking kick and scream and fucking punch something andf freak the fuck out. why why WHY do i have to cry about fucking everything i hate it so much. i just want relief from everything for even a little bit its all i want. my throat hurts os bad and i can barely breathe. i think ive burned myself out now i just feel sick and tired. no im crying again. sometimes i just dwell on the fact i have so few people who actually know about how i exist and even less who genuinely care about me. i feel like my family just wastes any time i spend with them mocking me and making me feel like the disgusting sack of useless shit that i am,. that i c an be wlaked all over like everyone else wakljks all over me. i let my ex shove me around and scream at me and every day evem now i still let him disrespect me because i thuink thats at this point what i desevre. i cant be better im not owed anything better. people have pushed me around all ym life. ive been mocked and ive been put down and ive been gaslit and ive been guilttripped and ive been abused and it all just hurts so much sometimes. i feel like ill never be strong enouggh to move past any of it. i cant even stand uypo for myself. i cant evemn talk about how i feel about anyrthing with the guy who actually cares about me because i dont have the gall to do i its cringe its embarrasing i dont know its something. aw man. im like freaking the fuck out i cant relax i cant calm down.
19/11/2020 entry ✎
- my life feels like such a miserable, pathetic little repetition day in and day out.
18/11/2020 entry ✎
- had a horrible nightmare. been thinking about it all fucking day. miserable.
17/11/2020 entry ✎
- i wanna rip my fucking hair out.
16/11/2020 entry ✎
- GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH why am i so fucking paranoid about everything HWHY.
15/11/2020 entry ✎
- you know i'm in pain when i attempt to do some shit like yoga and actual stretching. no idea why the pain has gotten so particualrly annoying recently when it's always been there. probably has something to do with the fact my glasses broke so i'm attempting to do the best that i can with an older prescription that hurts my head and makes my eyes tired. lower prescription than my actual current glasses which are already out of date and too low of a prescription, hence why i have to lean forward even more than usual. hell on earth, killing both my eyes and my fucking back. stupid head.
13/11/2020 entry ✎
- had a doctor's appointment this morning. that went well. didn't so much else when i got home other than work. i've been writing at a more consistent rate again, that always makes me happy. i like to write, it's genuinely just something i enjoy doing. i really have to clean, but i just feel too sore and tired to get around to doing it. i'd rather not live in filth, though, so i'm sure i'll get there sooner than later. sobbed for no particular reason while looking at some etsy store. i didn't see anything particularly moving, i think that just tends to happen to me sometimes. at least like three times a day i need to have a fucking break down over nothing or the consistency in my life is ruined and i need that consistency.
truly un fucking real how much my back hurts, why. i mean, i know why. i have horrible fucking posture and i work a desk job with an uncomfortable desk chair and i have trouble staying still. all together, i'm kind of ruining a nice back for myself. i hunch so fucking bad, it just feels like shit is stinging and tearing under my shoulder blades. i should really attempt to better ym posture or something, but i don't really see a use in doing that. i work a desk job, i'll just go back to hunching in undert 5 minutes after i quell the habit. not that i'd be able to quell it in the first place. upper back pain will just continue to ruin my life every day. piss poor weather recently is also killing my feet more than usual. they tend to ache, but it's worse when it rains, i find.
i wish i wasn't so damn nervous and awkward and socially frightened. i want to do ONE single simple thing and i'm so scared of doing it in spite of how stupid it is that i can't bring myself to do it. pathetic as always, man. the pitiful train never stops.
11/11/2020 entry ✎
- i should go back to actually writing here instead of just annoyedly jotting down singular lines like an animal. i dont know, sometimes that feels better than attempting to thoroughly explain myself and why i act the way i do and why i feel the way i do. much easier, that's for sure. still so fucking sore. the woe of a desk job i guess, shouldn't really complain about it but well everything hurts. work and genshin impact and thinking about rasmus that's the daily schedlue every damn day. inbetween is pacing and laying in bed and getting up to pace and then do one of those three tasks.
10/11/2020 entry ✎
- happy birthday to my baby i love him :^)
why is november such a long month. any reason for that. just thinking about how long it is.
jesus my aching fucking body. why. everything. i even have canker sores in my mouth.
09/11/2020 entry ✎
- i talk too much about shit no one gives a fuck about i wish i could shut the hell up.
08/11/2020 entry ✎
06/11/2020 entry ✎
- teeth fucking hurt. i just want to rip them out. i have to go back to bed before i have another breakdown.
i feel so thrown aside and invisible why do i bother doing anything that i do. it doesn't have a point. i hate it i hate feeling like this i hate being compltely fucking miserable every day of my fucking life.
05/11/2020 entry ✎
- i'm so desparingly lonely. i should go back to bed.
my job is such a joke to everyone i will never talk about it to people.
04/11/2020 entry ✎
- i feel so sad.
02/11/2020 entry ✎
- short weekend considering i still had work to do on saturday. it was only a few phone calls, though, so i'm alright with getting back in the fray of things today.
finally got new socks. i pace so much that i wear them out nigh constantly. i go through socks like someone drinking fucking water, it's kind of crazy. anyway, they're nice, i always try to get the thicker ones, but they'll end up getting holes eventually. right now though, they don't, which is fine by me. they did immediately make me take a solid tumble down the stairs, which was painful. shockingly. it's so scary when you slip and fall on the stairs. just know you're going to bust your ass and it's going to be fucking horribly painful on your tailbone. really fucked my shin and that bruised almost immediately. yippie. it could be worse, though. my back is fucking killing me and has been, and falling down the stairs didn't help shockingly, but i'll keep dealing with that one. everything back there feels like it's tugging some super heavy weight, it feels like it's pulling and going to rip eventually or something. it fucking sucks and my hunching and my desk job that requires several hours at the computer a day haven't exactly been helping me out. it'll go away eventually, but yeesh.
singular tooth of mine is still tender. making me fucking crazy, it hurts. the gums where the tooth is are superrr red, i'm guessing i have some kind of infection there. can't say i'm shocked by that idea. it wasn't as bad today as it was yesterday, so i'm hoping that it eventually just tapers away in the next few days. only time will tell.
01/11/2020 entry ✎
- back to being miserable you know how it is. happy november.
one of my teeth is excruciatingly tender for some reason and even an ounce of pressure sets it off to hurt. naturally my jaw won't stop twitching every like thirty minutes and giving me a massive amount of pain for like ten minute periods every time. i hate when my teeth hurt and i'm all cranky, especially on my damn day off.
31/10/2020 entry ✎
- happy halloween. finished the end of my work calls today, now i just have to ride out my usual efforts until december, then we have like two months off. much appreciated stint of time.
i always have such a mood boost after i hang out with my boyfriend. he makes me happy and makes me forget about anything in my life plausibly being bad at another time. i appreciate it. getting into the halloween spirit this afternoon.
30/10/2020 entry ✎
- feel like shit. nonetheless, time for another day of phone calls.
29/10/2020 entry ✎
- starting a big thing at work today that i hateee doing every time it comes around it makes me crazy. i have to do it repeatedly, hundreds of times over, in the span of like three days because it's so many people to get into contact with in such a short time span. i also have to do specific check in calls before the end of the month arrives, which means hundreds more phone calls i have to make and hundreds more conversations i have to hold. why this is procedure i will never understand considering it's skin off my back and a shit ton of my fucking time, while ultimately stressing everyone else out who obviously doesn't want to have a conversation with me. it's annoying, but oh well. have to do it. they upped my salary last month, so honestly, i'll do whatever the fuck they want. even sat through a 3 hour meeting about book changes last week on one of my two days off. i like my job, but god the meticulousness of it all.
GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD OGD IM SUCH A FUCKING PARANOID EMBABRRASSMENT I HATE MNY FUCKING LIFE. EVERY DAY IS THE FUCKING SAME MISERABLE GARBAGE. MY LIFE LITERALLY MEANS NOTHING. EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR NOTHING, AMOUNTS TO NOTHING, MEANS NOTHING TO NOBODY. I CONTINNUALLY PISS OFF THE ONLY PERSON WHO LIKES ME AND PAYS ME ANY MIND BECAUSE I CANT GET MY FUCKING STUPID CUNT HEAD OUT OF MY FUCKING DUMB ASS BECAUSE I'M A PARANOID FREAK WITH TRUST ISSUES. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS HWY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS I JUST WISH I COULD TALK TO PEOPLE I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME AND HOLD ME AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY SHITTY, GARBAGE, USELESS FUCKING LIFE. ALL I DO IS FUCK UP AND GET EMBARRASSED AND DO THINGS WRONG. ITS FUCKING UNREAL. ITS FUCKING STUPID. IT'S FUCKING PATHETIC. HOW MANY TIMES CAN I POSSIBLY FUCK UP? OVER AND OVER I FUCK UP AND I FUCK UP AND I FUCK UP AND I DO THINGS WRONG AND I MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY AT ME AND EMBARRASSED WITH ME AND NOT WANTING TO TALK TO ME. IT;S SO EMBARRASSING ITS SO NERVE WRACKING MY GOD DAMN PARANOIA CONTROLS ME. IT TELLS ME THAT EERYONE HATES ME AND HONESTLY THEY PROBABLY DO. PEOPLE HATE ME WHEN I SHARE AND TALK TOO MUCH. PEOPLE HATE ME WHEN I DONT TALK OR DONT SHARE ENOUGH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT MIDDLE GROUND IS I WISH SOMEONE WOULD FUCKING TELL ME IM SO FUCKING DESPERATE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT EVERY DAY IN AND EVERY DAY OUT I JUST WANT TO SOMETHING RIGHT BY THE GOD DAMN PERSON WHO CARES ABOUT ME HOW DO I KEEP FUCKING RUINING EVERYTHING I HAVE AND EVERYTHING I DO HOW !!!!!!! DAMN. im just so desperate for acceptance and people to like me i dont want to make them angry or make them think im a freak or a weirdo i dont want to burden people i dont want them to be anrgy with me i dont. i want to trust people i want them to like me. whys it so fucking hard why why. y chest hurts my head hurts. i wish i could open up i wish i could talk about things. sometimes it feels so impossible.
whyyy the fuck am i suddenly recalling my deeply seated ********* ****** ****** out of nowhere. this day needs to fucking END, seriously. i'm going to watch episodes of my little pony and eat garbage food.
28/10/2020 entry ✎
- i want to kill myself but at least genshin impact has my back.
27/10/2020 entry ✎
- yowch my knuckles are swollen. should stop cracking them but i will not.
26/10/2020 entry ✎
- bought a sports bra for myself today. pretty excited about that. i'll admit it's a little padded, bit of a push up. whatever, cheating. i can do what i want.
slept in today, for me at least, and i'm still tired. eyes feel so damn heavy, feel like i can't complete anything because of the fact i'm so tired. my teeth hurt as well, but i think that's usually a given. i guess me being tired at this point is a given. seems constant, but i've grown to live with it.
don't have much to say about today. i napped some. i played wasteland with my boyfriend, that was fun. one of my usually days, but i was seemingly distracted enough to not think too deeply about myself, which was nice. i'm writing this all in the evening, and i think i will try to lay down early tonight so i can do some writing in the morning tomorrow. i have the itch, it's just hard to scratch when you can't make yourself sit still, which is the most annoying thing on the fucking planet. another thing i've ultimately grown to live with, but am still pestered by.
25/10/2020 entry ✎
- why do i have to feel so miserable.
24/10/2020 entry ✎
- i always feel so alone and invisible. probably because i am.
23/10/2020 entry ✎
- randomly thinking about this time in which my dog had gotten let out when my ex was stupid enough to leave the gate unlatched. he was still a puppy at the time, and very prone to tugging on the leash during walks, so it was obvious he wanted to, you know, get out there and see the world on his own. i can really remember it cause i'd just been sitting on my laptop before he came in to tell me that he'd accidentally let the dog out. i broke into complete fucking hysterics considering we live in a city, and was basically immediately desolate over the fact we were likely never going to find him out there if he'd already booked it down the street and my ex hadn't bothered to follow him. he didn't follow him at the time because he's too fucking stupid, but also dogs are insanely fast once they start running and i can't entirely blame him for not thinking he'd be able to race after him down the block, or leave me in the dark to the whole situation. we'd gotten in the car to go look for him, i was a fucking total sobbing crying mess, and i just remember that he kept screaming at me to shut the fuck up. he kept telling me over and over to shut the hell up, to be quiet, to stop crying. i'd yelled back at him that i couldn't exactly help it, made myself continually more worked up and emotional about the whole thing, and his screaming wasn't exactly going to make me truly feel better about anything. he managed to make a ride in where we were looking for our poor puppy who'd gotten out awkward and uncomfortable and detached. i can remember feeling like i had to be quiet and stop the vocal sniffling or he was going to keep screaming at me. i just ended up calling for our dog out the window as we drove along anyway.
happy ending ended up being that our neighbour happened to be having his lawn cut that day, and the kid who was doing it was sweet enough to actually chase our dog down for blocks and blocks, and we happened to drive by and he waved us down. he hadn't gotten very far from home before he got so scared of both being away and being chased by some teenager he didn't know that he just decided to begin cowering in the bushes somewhere. i think that was the only time i've ever like, genuinely hugged a stranger. that kid probably thought i was crazy, but i was just really thankful that he'd do something like that for me and my silly little dog. he was so scared i had to hold him in my arms the whole drive home, and i even ended up carrying him back inside to. we never spoke about it again, aside from to laugh about how our dog is much too scared to do something like that these days.
no idea why i'm thinking about it right now. random and unwarrented. it's not truly a bad memory considering everything worked out in the end, but i guess i often find myself hooked on the fact my ex screamed at me for crying, like i shouldn't be doing it. i was fucking upset, my puppy just ran away into the city he's never seen that good before and you're yelling that i have to shut the fuck up? it's actually embarrassing to recall, i don't know. why did i let him treat me so bad over the smallest of things.
more importantly, happy the day the bombs drop in the fallout lore day. october 23rd. represent.
20/10/2020 entry ✎
- i HATE the way my brain functions. why does it function like this. it's so abnormal and strange and stupid and paranoid and the shit i make myself do is just so strange. i don't even know how to explain the compulsions half the time. i just stood in the doorway downstairs near my backdoor, trying to will myself to just walk back upstairs, but my brain was like put the dog gate in front of the door. why would i do that? it's already locked. am i paranoid about someone getting in? yes. do i sincerely, truly, earnestly think someone will get in? not really, but my paranoia is completely debilitating and i am a slave to it. it then goes to intrusive thoughts where i force myself to think about all the horrible and disgusting things that could happen if i don't do the bizarrely specific and useless and meanginless task of putting the dog gate in front of the door. i think about someone coming in anyway and beating me to death. i make myself think about it and imagine it. i get emotionally worked up. i probably fucking mentally argue with myself for like 4 seconds before i just accept it and put the dog gate in front of the door before i hope that's the last bizarre task my brain tortures me into doing so i can go upstairs in peace. this, all fucking day, same process over and over, with different tasks, both useless and normal ones. it's infuriating. i make myself upset and angry and freaked out and set off my own paranoia like one hundred times a day but i honestly don't know how to stop this or explain it any better. it really is yet another one of my delusional compulsive paranoia behaviours that my body is enslaved to. it's frustrating, it really is.
i feel so disillusioned by it. or something, i don't even know how to explain anything. my intrusive thoughts are always so fucking constant and unwanted. i didn't even know they were called that 'til like last year when i saw a fucking tumblr ad. kind of pathetic, but at least i know what it is now, and it's not just a me thing when my brain forces horrific imagery upon me against my will in bouts of psychosis and paranoia. it's been keeping me up so bad lately. i really need to get my hands on some more steep sleeping aids. some nights i just repeatedly jolt myself awake because i keep getting horrible intrusive thoughts and imagery in my damn head when all i want to do is keep my eyes closed but i feel like i can't or i'm just going to start panicing and feel disgusted more than i already am in the moment. i feel like a freak even when i know other people have and do deal with the same thing. i feel like there's just something so severly wrong with me and no one should think like that even when i don't want to and i'm not trying to and it's fucking torture for me and i'm just fucked up or something. i hate it, i hate it sooo much. i make myself feel worse talking about it, i don't know why i do this. i sound like a disgusting animal.
i'm already talking about it and sound like a loon, might as well keep going to vent, i guess. i keep having this recurring dream where ** ********* ***** and i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. it's genuinely bringing me continued mental fucking distress i wish my brain didn't keep forcing it on me. i want to rip my hair out over it. i don't understand why my brain is so insistent upon torturing me with it. i guess it wants me to feel weak and pathetic but i already feel that way, it doesn't have to make me feel worse. all my intrusive thoughts bring me mental distress for periods but this one is really killing me, i don't know. maybe it's like ** **** *** ** ***** ****** ** ******* ** **** *** **** ** *** ****** *** *******. *** **** ****** ***** ** **** ** ** ******. ** ********* *********. can't even be paranoid about it plausibly happening in reality, just disgusted and distressed. it's been like a week i just want to see something else when i'm trying to sleep. even a sligihtly less shitty dream would be, let me tell you, a better dream.
18/10/2020 entry ✎
- feeling alright today, actually. i will enjoy it while i have the chance. still tired and sore and my teeth hurt but that's usually a given at this point. i will with it.
i was thinking about letting my hair grow out maybe, i don't know for sure. i feel like i just got it cut not that long ago, and it already feels like it's too long. i've been wearing those headbands that go around your forehead instead of hats recently and it actually makes my hair look pretty nice when it falls down over 'em. i guess it's not really a headband, and more of a sweatband. look like headbands ... i guess ... kind of look like a shitty tennis player. my dad called me john mcenroe ... i could honestly beat his ass over that one. serious 😭
been having this recurring nightmare every time i try to lay down. it's like plauging me. i guess most things tend to do that. it's honestly frustratingly hard to sleep when you have intrusive thoughts you can't get rid of. just keep thinking about them over and over and force myself awake because i hate to see gore and scary shit in my brain to torture myself and try sleeping again and the same shit happens. i need like heavy sleep aids or something.
16/10/2020 entry ✎
- my teeth hurt so fucjing bad i can barely stand it. i just want it to fucking stop. i can't even wear a headset for an extended period or it's too much pressure and it hurts and i can't do anything about it but wait the pain away. it's so fucking distracting, i can't get shit done. it's hard to sit still, it's hard to focus, it's hard to not just here and cry and hold my face in my hands. the more i talk about it the more worked up i get which means it's due to hurt more. no fucking idea hwy i do this to myself. maybe if i just stopped thinking about it it'd just go away. it's all so embarrassing. every time i brush my teeth, more pieces just seem to fall out. i don't get why this is happening. the dentists don't seem to get why this is happening. i feel like they barely fucking help me. i fork out all my money and they do jack shit to make me feel better at the end of the day. every procedure is fucking weeks out, every appointment is weeks out.
rest of me is miserably sore as well. i don't know why. my flat mate bitched me out for being fucking cranky. yeah because i feel like shit, mother fucker. my neck is so stiff, and my legs feel so tense. my shoulder has this blistering pain when i turn it the wrong way. my jaw is throbbing along with my ear, but i earnestly think that just is another symptom of my disgusting, rotten teeth.
i really am an icky mother fucker. so fucking disgusting. i'll never look how i want to look and my body will never be the way i want it to be and i will never be comfortable in my own greasy skin. i'm just such a nasty fucking pig. i don't ever take care of myself. i don't even brush my hair 90% of the time. if i don't have to, i won't, i'll let it look like shit. i wear the same sloppy ass clothing every fucking day. my teeth are fucking rotting out of my mouth, i don't even want to smile. i look shitty in every piece of clothing i own. i want to fucking burn them all. i can't believe i spent money on a fucking shirt. do i look like a fucking stupid wretch? yep. was i expecting that? yep. depressively impulse bought it anyway. another useless piece of shit that will sit in my closet and mock me for the rest of my days. i'm just so fucking ugly. my glasses aren't even straight, i look like such a fucking. idiot. my nails are all fucked up different shapes because i bite them down too low and my knuckles are all bent weird and swollen on one side more than the other. i have blisters on my fingers and dry skin because i refuse to touch lotion because it's greasy, as if my skin isn't already a pile of grease. covered in bruises from my excessive pacing habit where i just manage to walk into shit like the fucking oblivious shit head cunt i am, have scars all over my legs from scratching relentlessly at multiple bug bites cause the mozzies won't fucking leave me alone. i hate it all. i can't even fucking bare to have a mirror in my own bedroom, in my own bathroom. i don't want to fucking look, it's torture.
hrt has made my face more on the softer side of things, so that's nice, i guess. i like that.
14/10/2020 entry ✎
- i can never do anything right by anybody. considering how much of a try hard i am it's pathetically embarrassing. the unrelenting daily spiral where i remember my life is pathetic. ** ******* ***** ** **** ** **** ** *** ** ***** ****. *** ****** ***** ***** ** ** *** **** *** *** **** ***** **** * *** ** ******* *** ******* ***********. ******* ** ** ***** ** *** **** *** ******* **** **** ** ** ***** *** * ****** *** * ******** *** *** **** ****. who the fuck builds a house with thin walls. aussie architecture ♥.
i think maybe i will just write instead. came up with a new concept for a fallout setting the other day. i've been binge watching berserk lore videos and playing the video game a bit and while i'm not a fan of fantasy stuff, i do find an interest in like, monarchical systems of government, and berserk content has made me think about it. i'm gonna make a group that's basically deluded themselves into thinking their strip of the wasteland is a kingdom, and they follow the linear guide of medieval monarchy and royalty. court jester, king, count, etc. all that good stuff. they're not actually any of that, they're just kind of larping but in the mental illness kind of way. thinking about all the bizarrely patched together clothing they probably wear to compensate for the fact it's not actually the middle ages and they're not actually royalty. post apocalyptic attempts.
i'm actually too tired to do that.
13/10/2020 entry ✎
- wish i had, like, gall.
i never know how to end the conversation with those crisis hotlines you can text. "Well thanks for listening to me talk about how i think i should be brutally beaten to death and thrown into a low running river to rot for weeks before a hiker finds my unrecognisable corpse. Talk to you again :)" like there is no way you just have to stop talking and then they probably assume i've died every time. no i just don't know what to say i'm sorry.
12/10/2020 entry ✎
- broken record i'm tired. i've been sleeping on the floor because i'm afraid of leaving the rabbit alone. i was doing that before he had the surgery, and i'm obviously less worried about anything happening now that he's had it, but i need to keep him from getting to the sutures of he could open the wound and really hurt himself. so i camp out on the floor every night until my flatemate gets up and is downstairs to watch him for me. my phone charger also broke. and so did my headset. i went ahead and bought a new one of those at least, no idea why i haven't bought a new phone charger. me and my flatmate have the same one so i can just charge my phone in there for a couple hours at a clip. still annoying. still have to buy a new charger. it really decided to shit the bed at the most annoying time after i've had the same one for two damn years.
a plus anyway is something i ordered a while back is supposed to be here this evening so i'm excited for that, even if it's just a poster. everything takes fucking ages to get to australia, so it's kind of like a surprise when your shit finally arrives. yaaa, you survived waiting a month. here's your fallout poster cunt.
shocking news. parcel never came. so that's cool.
11/10/2020 entry ✎
- bunny is okay now. he had his surgery and after staying at the vet for a night he's home. he's got a lot of stitches and staples that i have to keep him from licking open but that's alright, much better than unhealthy. he's got a little cone on and he fucking hatesss it but he has to deal with it for a week or two until the sutures heal. he's really uncomfortable when i'm not giving him all my attention or he's asleep.
managed to break the headset i had for like. four months. i didn't even do anything. picked it up the other day and it shattered randomly in the most bizarre and annoying fucking place. i taped it, didn't work. i glued it, didn't work. i glued AND taped it. didn't work. i hate having to drop money on ANOTHER fucking headset when i just bought one in july, but here we are. i need it for work and i need it to talk to people, which is insanely frustrating. wish it broke over the weekend so i would have some more time to meander over it. i have til thursday before i have to do a lesson with work, but i'd also need it to be here by then. i don't WANT to purchase another headset *rips my fridge door off*.
tired and my teeth hurt and once again i am holding my god damn piss.
09/10/2020 entry ✎
- have the most vauge ass control of my bladder. why would i share this. well, because i have to pee right now, of course. why i have this habit, who fucking knows. i guess it spawns from wetting yourself each night for years and then being worried about doing it, so instead of letting it out you're compelled to hold it. i'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with that behaviour.
bunny has gotten worse again. swelling has gone down almost completely, but in comparison the abscess / tumour thing has caused the skin to flay open. it's basically a giant disgusting wound. it's fucking horrible, i can't even handle it myself, i had to have my dad come over and dress it for me so he wasn't leaving it out in the open with a bloody chunk missing. he needs the removal surgery like right now, but i can't fucking pay 1k+ out of my pocket, nor do i have a credit card. my only option is convincing my sister to pay for the whole thing right away, which i'm praying she's more than willing to do. i can give her the money back progressively, i just need to be able to schedule the surgery as soon as possible. i'm just fucking praying he's okay 'til i can do that. god fucking willing.
08/10/2020 entry ✎
- i've never had many people in my life, but sometimes i think about the shocking number of them who've just. taken their own lives. i've been thinking about it for the last few days. we used to have a family friend, jon. he didn't really have anyone, lived alone, spent a lot of time chilling with my dad when he didn't have work or something to do. we spent holidays together. he'd come for dinner, come on christmas, take us out for halloween when dad was busy. he was a good guy, can remember him promising to never swear, and when he did, he'd say something about pardoning his french since we were all quite young at the time. while my family never wanted to explain to me what happened, i heard things. he'd gone home and hung himself one day, right on the front porch. his neighbour had reported it, and by the time paramedics got to the scene, he'd already passed. if anything, it confused me when i was so small. everything just stopped, he ceased to be in my life anymore. we didn't get christmas presents from him, he didn't come to dinner anymore, he didn't babysit us again. i have this horrible fucking memory of sitting on the bus, and the other kids would point out his house and jabber about a ghost living there, that his place was something scary now. i feel so much guilt for not saying anything, for not arguing, for not sticking up for someone who couldn't do it themselves. i hope jon forgives me for that.
my grandpa killed himself on his front porch too. it was a gun, old enough to remember my dad having to physically clean the mess. it was fucking horrible, being twelve and losing your only surviving grandparent in the worst way possible. i loved him, loved to sit with him and listen to what he had to say, what goofy shit he wanted to recall from decades ago. days before he passed away, he told me that if anything were to happen to him, that his piggy bank was mine. i told my dad that story a few days after grandpa had died, and he went and got the thing from his house. it had about twenty five dollars in change, and i ended up using it that week to put several tickets into a raffle at school so i could win my dad something to ... make him feel better. win him something he actually wanted. shockingly, i ended up winning. i ended up surprising my dad with a brand new iphone, which was a big fucking deal back then. he thanked me for that, but i think he should have thanked my grandpa. had it not been for his money, i never would have been able to enter the raffle in the first place, and i never would have won the thing. i know i'm thankful, even if the situation reminds me of his loss.
one of my uncles ended up jumping off a bridge. he'd called my dad that night on the house phone, but none of us had answered. my uncle was a junkie at the time, and my dad wasn't speaking to him out of some kind of spite. he just wanted the best for him, but i'm sure he's more than well aware now that wasn't the best course of action. it hurts to wonder what he would have said to one of us, had we picked up. i can remember the phone ringing off the hook, nobody answering it with the announcement that it was our uncle, the police coming to the door the next morning. why this kept happening to us, i didn't know. i didn't fucking get it. my uncle was a little disjointed in his life, but that didn't mean we didn't love him. my uncle was a story teller who had a knack for cricket, liked to play with us in the garden on the rare event he stopped by. he had a love for the sport that i remember strongly, can remember holding my hands over my ears when he and my dad cheered at the television over some sports match i found silly. the loss of connection, it hurt. my family has a funny way of dealing with grief, where we fragment instead of coming together. i learned later that my uncle had left a voicemail on the phone, apoloising for all he had done, though none of it truly hurt us. it hurts to think he was so guilty in his final moments. some nights i lay awake and think about answering the phone. maybe i could have talked to him about cricket, maybe he would have been comforted, maybe he would have stepped down. i feel it didn't have to happen.
sometimes i worry i'll just be another catastrophe for my family. i guess that's one of the reasons i think so deeply on these scenarios again and again outside of my grief. it almost feels like some sort of predetermined path i'm meant to go down. it feels like i should either make up my mind and do it, or take the gun out of my room already. i think i'm too fucking lazy to do either.
04/10/2020 entry ✎
- my dad has a bit of a gambling habit, and naturally i'm against it since i want him to keep his money secure, but he's not addicted or anything and he's retired so honestly he can do whatever he wants with his money. frankly, i almost never want to bitch again. last night, he managed to win big on a lotto ticket, and i mean decently big. several thousand dollars big. he gave me a cut, so i can't say shit. thanks dad.
do you ever think about the strange shit you find comfort in. i don't mean like an interest or an item, but like ... i don't know what i'm getting at, or how to explain it at least, but i know what i'm talking about. thinking about how for some reason i take great comfort in like, having pressure put on my head. it's bizarre, i feel like that would and should and does freak people out. something about having someone like grab and squish your head ... pressure. freak moments what the fuck is wrong wit me. it's just like people wanting hugs but instead of wanting hugs i want pressure that way. strange i don't know what to tell you.
03/10/2020 entry ✎
- missed a few days, but in my defence i've been tired and busy and yesterday i was sooo ill sooo suddenly it was insane and horrible. i'm feeling much, much better today, and no longer throwing up, so i'm very happy about that was you can probably imagine. still kinda overheated a bit, but i think that may just be an issue of the temperature in my house overall.
aside from that, been arguining with paypal all damn morning today. took them hours to verify my account, and then their two step verification froze, and i got locked out after giving them all that fucking info. finally, they unlocked my account after i messaged with a rep and he was able to confirm it was me and unlock my account with a new password, so i'm happy about that. sometimes i wish something like venmo or square was more popularised, you know? i can hardly fucking stand paypal sometimes, sucks that it's everyones favourite and primary money delivery online. i think square you can do thru paypal though, like the other person can use paypal while you still use square. i may look into that, for all the grief paypal has given me over the last several years. hell on earth.
in top news thus far my bunny is doing so much better these last few days, today included. he has his vet appointment on tuesday, and he's almost at the end of his meds. i'm assuming they're going to give him some more since the swelling isn't down all the way yet, but that's more than alright with me if it'll go towards making him feel better. he's much more lively, especially this morning. much more himself, and no longer seems to be in near constant pain, even when his pain meds have worn out after eight hours.
bash bash bash my head off the wall. annoying i'm annoying everything i doooo is annoying. grrr. just kill yourself already pussy mother fucker. yeesh i am a coward.
29/09/2020 entry ✎
- i'm so fucking tired. i'll never catch up and i've come to accept that. the naps are pretty useless, i usually just startle awake after having some paranoia induced nightmare every twenty minutes. if anything, it feels more like i'm torturing myself over trying to get some rest. i'm probably just making myself more tired doing that. i also clench my teeth when i sleep, so whnever i wake up from even a cat nap they're in fucking agony. wonder why i'm bothering at all. you know when it just feels good to lay in bed for several hours at a clip and mindlessly stare at the ceiling. that, but i'm so tired i just eventually pass out and wake up and do it again over and over.
pain meds are working good for the rabbit, i'm thankful. he's slept just about all damn day aside from getting up to eat and drink and go to the bathroom, which is a good sign. he licked open his inflammed area yesterday night, but i was able to put a diaper on him to stop it, and put some cream on the wound to keep it clean as i could. i told the vet, but they just told me it'll be alright as long as i keep it clean and keep him from continuing to fuck with it, which i have. his fever is finally totally gone too, and he isn't pacing around as much cause the meds make him all fucked up, which is for the best. the swelling has gone down from what i can tell. i'm trying to be hopeful, you know. i just don't want him to be in pain. they told me if it's not something to do with inflamation entirely, it may be a tumour of some kind, so i'm trying really hard not to think about it. i want to help him, but i don't know if i'd be able to afford any kind of surgical procedure, you know. i'll just have to wait and see what the verdict is when he's gotta go back to the vet in person next week. less than seven days, now. five? four? i've already lost count. i left it on the calander for myself so i actually am aware.
i want to lay on the floor and bash my head off the hardwood as many times as possible. but hey, 1000 people have somehow viewed my site. that's scary but i hope at least one person has read this miserable little journal and got some semblance of entertainment from my daily suffering. kudos.
28/09/2020 entry ✎
- my sleeping schedule is completely off the walls concurrently, but i don't blame my rabbit. i feel like i'm forcing him to go thru all this pain just because i want him in my life. i love him so much, i just don't want anything to happen to him, you know. he's eating, and drinking, and going to the bathroom, so i'm hopeful that despite the pain he's going to be okay in the end. he's on plenty of meds, have to do them every tweleve hours, and i ended up texting the vet quite late to get him on more pain medication that i'll be able to get tomorrow so he can get into an actual deep sleep. i'm almost afraid to leave him alone if he's not in a deep sleep, you know. i feel like something will happen if my eyes aren't trained on him, but i still have things to do and i still have a job. it's hard to focus sometimes, but i'll feel better once he's more comfortable and in less pain.
27/09/2020 entry ✎
- stressful morning for one of my two days off a week. harrowing. i had a dentist appointment scheduled for the last two weeks, and today my bunny gets a fever and my flat mate has to drop everything he's gotta do to take him in. i'm thankful he's okay, and i'm thankful i still was able to make it to my appointment on time despite the fact my car is the only one between us. i'm still tired from the franticness of it all, frankly. could really go for a fucking nap if i knew i wouldn't feel disgusting after one.
my teeth still hurt, but i culled the pain best i could with another dose of motrin before settling in to play wasteland 3. i probably shouldn't be taking as much as i am these days, but a distraction usually does me better. playing for a couple of hours and talking on the phone helps with the pain, i think. you know, in that psychological kind of way. i'm not stressing out and thinking about it, even if they are hurting at the time, i seem wildly unaware. they're aching as i write this, but i can relatively phase it out. think i will write some more for my own good. i always feel good after i write, no matter what.
26/09/2020 entry ✎
- you ever just think about how disgusting you are. frightening. i can like feel the grease in my hair, and on my skin, and how my clothes don't fit right and the way my eyes are so fucking heavy and tired. i won't look in the mirror to confirm or deny this but it's true. covered the front camera on my phone today with a sticker so i won't have to acidentally open it again, problem solved.
what if i bought a mouse teddy bear shaped plushie and gave it glasses and called it richard mouse. rasmus bear companion. whatever, i've done dumber things. my obsession is scary and weird ♥.
25/09/2020 entry ✎
- why can't i just go to sleep like a normal human person. my teeth hurt. again. the more upset i get, the more they hurt, it's fucking annoying. all the blood rushes to my face and my blood pressure rises and it makes the nerves ache.
got my little vault boy plushie in the mail this morning. i love him. sadly, unsurpisingly, the other item that was supposed to be in the package just wasn't in there. i don't know what i was expecting. i wish amazon made it easier to get into contact with them to resolve things. it feels like pulling teeth when you're trying to converse with a fucking bot.
in other news, i want to hit my head off the wall until it bleeds. nothing new.
also wish i kept trying with the whole self care, skin care, etc. routine. i didn't expect it to last long as is, considering it's me, but damn. already moved the mirror back out of my bathroom because i can't bare to look at myself. it freaks me the hell out, you know what i mean. whenever i see my reflection i feel ill and disgusted, find that it's much better to ignore it. every time i'm in the bathroom taking a piss or something i think about how i wish i could get my money back for the skincare and self care shit i bought that i'm not using again. could probably sell it on ebay or something. have other shit i've been meaning to sell on ebay for like two years now, i just never get around to it. seems to be my issue with most things. yeesh. broken record.
24/09/2020 entry ✎
- my uncles buggered off to stay at my dad's place instead, so i take that as a plus on my part. i never quite feel comfortable with someone else staying in my house, i don't know. like it's my home and my space ... no one should be interjected within that without me knowing it off the bat. i love my uncle, but i wish he would have, you know, planned his visit at all. he just showed the hell up without any risk of me turning him away because he knew i wouldn't. my family really is something else sometimes. at least my house is mine again. my teeth hurt, though. they're making my jaw throb. i could fucking cry.
sometimes i think about how everything i do is for nothing. why do i bother spending my money. why do i bother commissioning people. why do i bother writing things. why do i bother making characters. why do i bother buying things i want. why do i bother making things the way i want. why do i bother filling this out every day. why do i bother rolling out of bed. why do i bother crying about anything. none of it really matters in the long run and i will continue going nowhere. everything feels like a waste of time and money i could spend doing anything else and buying something that i can actually consume like food or something. i don't show art to anyone, it just exists to give me some happiness. writing drabbles and coming up with stories is meaningless why you intend to do nothing with them in the end. it's why i struggle branching any of my stuff out so much, it means so little and no one will ever see it outside of me so i don't see the point. it's stupid. i'm just talking to myself here. i'll do it again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. fuck me man. his encouragament is so wasted on me i don't do anything, i don't plan on achieving anything, i can't achieve anything. pathetic, sincerely. i am. harrowing. i wish i was different i want to ficking rip my fucking hair out i make myself fucking insane i cant i cant i cant ic ant ic ant icnat icnt ughhhhhhhhhhh. fucking kill me man. i wish i was passionate enough i wish i could like offer anything into the world. i wish anything i did meant ANYTHING. but what's the actual fucking point of anything when you don't have anyone in your life.god fucking dammn i make myself so fucking sick. such a fucking useless cunt. it;s pathetic. fucking disgusting.i just want to destroy everything i own. i shouldnt have any of it. i want to throw up.
23/09/2020 entry ✎
- how am i supposed to not hurt myself.
22/09/2020 entry ✎
- so emotional i'm making myself sick. i don't know why i let this happen.
sometimes i think i should write more here, but i don't ever have much to say about my days. same routine different day, you know. i actually like the mundane habit of it all, in the end. i would feel horrible without it.
i wish my uncle would give me a break. i want to hang out with my boyfriend why do i have to give you every ounce of my attention. not that my attention means anything to my family members, i think sometimes they just like making me miserable for the hell of it. i'm tired.
21/09/2020 entry ✎
- good day, actually. i love my boyfriend. he makes me feel better about everything. i was sad about angel again for some reason when i laid down, but it all passes in due time. sometimes i just still miss her.
20/09/2020 entry ✎
- tomorrow my uncle is coming into town and somehow i was roped into being his host for the three days that he's here. it's not that long, and i shouldn't bitch, but i just really don't have the energy currently to be playing #1 homeowner for him. he didn't even really ask me if he could stay, he just kind of invited himself. every member of my family steps all over me. it's so degrading. guess i will just deal with him.
wish i could stop thinking about things i don't want to. i wish i could just stop. i wish i could just think about something else. i wish i didn't let stupid small stuff get to me but i am a man never changing, always the same. exhausting. one step forward, ten steps back. why do i live like this. who knows, i don't. sometimes i contemplate bashing my head in with a rock.
did buy a jumper though. it's nice.
19/09/2020 entry ✎
- lord god above i am so fucking tired of being delusional level paranoid i can't take it anymore.
18/09/2020 entry ✎
- i'm really tired. i always feel tired. i'm tired of feeling tired and i'm tired of trying to catch up on sleep. it never feels like enough. i spend the vast majority of my day pacing rooms or laying in bed. it really depends. i did get my hair cut, finally. it was starting to get too long for my liking. i'm fine with having my dad cut my hair, even if he's not great at styling. he tries, ya know. comes out good in the end.
i wish i wasn't so alone. i don't have anybody. i wish i did. all i do is cry alone in my room everyday. it's kind of pathetic. always have tomorrow i suppose. my teeth hurt too. same shit different day.
17/09/2020 entry ✎
- haven't done much outside of work beside lay around. i'm enjoying wasteland 3, though. it's a lot of fun and worth all the money and time in the world that i spent on it and waited for it. i did start reading a book for the first time in a long time tonight, but it was just something pathetic that i wanted to read for the sole purpose of the lore being connected to an oc i wanna make. it's only two hundred something pages, but god knows when i'll pick it up again. writing is easier than writing. maybe i should have just stuck to the wiki pages, they delve deep enough as is.
16/09/2020 entry ✎
- having a hyperfixation is kind of gruelling. i don't understand how people can change theirs so fast and so quickly. i've stayed interesting in the same damn thing for the last twnety fucking years. sometimes i sit awake at 3am, not able to fall asleep, too hyperfixated on my obssession. everyone will tell you that it's alright to have such an intense hyperfixation, and it is, but you tend to feel like an annoying freak knowing they probably don't like something to the clinging level that you do, or have the ability to sway what they're interested in. i don't think anyone wants to hear me talk about fallout or rasmus ever again.
15/09/2020 entry ✎
- i'm finally back into the groove of writing, even if it's just small replies and more wordy headcanon concepts for my characters. it's been almost a month since i've written, and i was really getting into a slump and annoying myself over it. i'm either easily distracted, or too tired, or been in too much pain lately, but i'm happy to be back to it. writing is what i enjoy, so it always makes me feel better :)
14/09/2020 entry ✎
- i keep waking up with nightmares. it's more annoying than anything. i fall back asleep and repeat. i wish i could just stay asleep and keep a consistent schedule, but this sometimes persist as an issue even with a dose of melatonin. on top of that, my teeth ache. thinking about it makes them ache more. laying on them makes my jaw hurt which makes it impossible to sleep. feel like i am in hell.
i didn't do much per usual, but that just happens to be my day every day. when i went to bed, i thought about my old dog angel. i have a stuffed animal of her, and i like to cuddle her. she's been gone for a very long time, but this evening i was just thinking too much about her i guess and made myself cry all over again. i used to have her collar on the stuffie, but it got all old and worn had to be taken off her. embarrassing and weird, but it used to smell like her. that wet dog kinda smell. i wish she was still around, but i have plenty of pictures and memories.
13/09/2020 entry ✎
- i am very boring. my days are always the same. every day i do the same thing as i did yesterday and the same things i will do tomorrow. sometimes my day is not as bad as others tho :)
12/09/2020 entry ✎
- cool i need somewhere fancy to vent into the void :)